I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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