Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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