i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's never too late to be topless.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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