I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
