You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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