yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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