This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
