I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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