The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
