I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
