Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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