Where did you get a picture of my penis
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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