Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
