if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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