1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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