I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
