I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
