It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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