his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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