so that wasnt chicken after all
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
