I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
