who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
