I'm sorry my penis didn't work
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
