I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
