just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
