You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
