My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
