A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
