If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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