I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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