He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
