I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
