Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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