My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
