If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.