I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
