She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
