Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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