If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
