My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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