I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
