The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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