If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
