sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
