I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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