just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
