I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
