Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
