he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
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Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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