That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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