There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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