why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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