Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just pynch a tree in the face
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
