New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Blow job season was short but glorious.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
