oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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