That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
As shirtless as possible
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
