Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
