he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
