'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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